Do you often feel guilty for wasting as much time as you do on social media?
Do you often feel stuck in a rat race because you see so many people living a life you wish to live?
Do you often feel overwhelmed, confused, and frustrated by the information you read about daily?
Do you... get thumb cramps from scrolling (no? just me?)?
This post talks about ways in which social media negatively impacts your mental wellbeing and how to set boundaries between you and your phone. I know, this is going to be tough. But you'll thank me later.
The conundrum
Often times, clients come to me feeling anxious, guilty, and full of shame. Many times they talk about so-and-so that they saw on social media getting married, or give me the who's who on traveling, they complain about the hours they waste scrolling, or an argument they had with a family member sharing their right-winged-or-left-winged views on facebook. They're having a hard time finding balance in their relationship because their partner didn't text back right away, but they were active on instagram an hour ago... They're having a hard time getting over an ex, who is no longer viewing their stories. They think they're being gaslit because now this word is trending. Or there is so much information out there.. they don't know what to believe any longer!
Sound familiar?
It's not just clients. It's friends, family, ME. I notice the huge impact social media has on my mental health. And let me tell you, since deleting facebook, I've never looked back...
You are probably telling yourself that you could never delete facebook or instagram or tik tok. And it's okay, I won't make you. But once you understand the impact social media has on you and the more you're able to create boundaries... you might find one day, a little social media detox leads to more freedom than you could have imagined and suddenly the idea doesn't sound so ludacris.
Ways social media is affecting your mental health....
Scrolling: Did you know social media is designed to hold your attention? More specifically, the algorithms are designed to change to your preferences moment to moment and are updated on an ongoing basis. This means, the scrolling isn't your fault. Your feed is specifically designed to hold your attention and keep you going and going and going.... and THUMB CRAMP! The shame you feel because of how many hours you waste a day aren't your fault. But once you understand this, then there are things you can do about it (in the next section). Knowledge is power. You were a victim, but now, do something about it...
Comparison trap: do you often feel that others are living this reality of perfection? That they are doing really cool things and moving along in life while you feel stuck? Maybe you compare your body, your travels, your pictures, your family, your dog....... Remember (what you likely already know): people share their highlight reel. Rarely do they show the unflattering pictures or the horrible screaming match they just got into with their partner or how hot and uncomfortable they were when they took the picture on the beach. Or the fact that they were sucking in and posing in a really uncomfortable position and took 101 photos before settling on that exact one. Before, we had a small social circle to "compare" ourselves to. Now, we compare ourselves to thousands of total strangers we've never even met and ask ourselves "what is wrong with me? why aren't I like them?" This is a dangerous trap that leads to little fulfillment and mostly... misplaced shame.
Open tabs in your head: our brains weren't designed to take in as much information as we do, at the rate that we do. You're taking in information as an extremely quick rate. You keep all of these tabs open in your head, likely never to be revisited until, maybe, your next scroll. I sometimes wonder if social media creates symptoms of ADHD in many of us. ADHD isn't about a lack of focus, rather it's about too much focus on many different things. Squirrel!
Empath overload: Are you a highly sensitive person? If you are, you are likely absorbing so many people's energies. I don't know about you, but I find it hard to think sometimes after a good scroll. I'm absorbing people's anger, frustrations, opinions, sadness, joy... Again, we bring this back to our social circle - which used to be very small. But now, you are worried about so-and-so who you've never even met. As an empath, you weren't designed to absorb that many people's emotions.
Information overload: especially in this political climate, there is so much information out there. Not only do you have tabs open in your head about this or that product and what influencers say you need to do to be successful or who just had a baby, etc but you have information tabs open. And much of it is conflicting information, false information, or even true information that is still conflicting and it creates confusion. Or... opinions posed as facts.
Influencer Syndrome: I've seen it over and over again, influencers who has reported mental health issues due to social media and also... believing it is their duty to say things and address every topic known to man and it has been said many times in influencer circles: "if you choose to stay quiet, you are part of the problem." This also creates the information overload. I respect advocacy, please don't misinterpret what I am saying. But when someone who is big on social media posts simply because they are worried how people will perceive them if they don't... and then they get hateful, hurtful comments - can't you see the conundrum? Damned if you do, damned if you don't. And also, people are using their instagrams in hopes of being an influencer, snapshotting every single area of their life, from their workouts to the food they eat to the shows they watch and outfits they are wearing, assuming - everybody cares. And I'm not here to say that people don't care... but.. I'm also not saying that they need to know about all of these areas. We have the right to live a private life. I often wonder... what the person who is posting the story looks like as they are trying to "capture" a moment they aren't living in. There's a difference between taking a picture, and sharing every aspect of your life. Be honest - are you experiencing YOUR own life through the filter off your instagram story and not even fully enjoying the moment? I fully admit, I lived this life. I have told people not to eat their food yet just so I could get the perfect picture. I have done things soley "for the 'gram" as they say. I lived life through my phone - hell, I grew up on social media being discovered, I was the ultimate test subject.
Resistance to boredom: Ever feel bored and you reach for your phone? You're standing in line and reach for your phone, or waiting for your food and everybody at the table is on their phone, or even... a boring part of a show comes on or the scene switches... and phone! We can't even watch a show without scrolling. We can't even enjoy time with our friends or family... every in-between moment is filled with our phones. But guess what? This is why you are left feeling uninspired and unmotivated. Boredom breeds creativity, it breeds inspiration, it breeds motivation. But when every single corner of your life is covered with something, and that something is your phone, it is going to be hard to feel motivated to paint, read a book, go on a walk, meet up with friends (Especially when you can just text them or stalk them on social media). Allow boredom to re-enter your life. You may find you have more energy.
Overconnected: "He was on instagram story, but he didn't text me back. He must not like me." Sound familiar?! We are so overconnected these days. If we don't get a text in a day, we worry or feel unloved. We are checking to see if our friend or partner looked at our story to decide whether we are mad at them for not texting back right away. We see so-and-so posted a picture. How have we all not lost it? Or maybe we already have...
Can you now see how the entire cycle of social media would drive us as a species insane? Make us feel less than, drained, upset, overloaded.... anxious and depressed? And even, in a time of overconnectedness - isolated and alone?
Maybe you don't feel this way. And if not - great! I'm also not saying social media is horrible. It can be wonderful, connect us to people like us when we felt alone in our personal life, we can google and do our own research on many topics, careers are changing and there are so many creative options for us. But if that's the case, our phones and tablets need to be used in balance.
So if social media feels like a drain to you and you connect with the things I have shared this far, here are some steps you can take for creating better boundaries with your phone. "Phone, we need to have a talk..."
Steps to creating boundaries with your phone:
Social media detox: Start small if you're simply that addicted. Start by a social media free day, weekend (probably the easiest one), or a week. Then, why not try a month? I deactivated facebook a few years ago, and it became so nice, that I eventually downloaded all the pics from over the years (facebook allows you to do this and put them all in a dropbox account), and deleted my account. Now, I frequently leave instagram and I always say this but... I may never go back. The peace is quite nice.
Make your social media a safe space: unfollow or mute anyone who you feel triggered by (and no... do not use the TRIGGERS as inspiration if it is creating SHAME). Mute people, ex friends, ex lovers who you may stalk (stop looking where it hurts). Follow accounts that show the real them, body positive accounts, post partum accounts, mom accounts, dad accounts... whatever. But make sure it is a safe space for you and be quick to hit unfollow or mute. And try to be minimal in how many people you are following.
Turn off all of your badge icons and extra notifications: I'm calling out all of you who have 4,579 in red on their email icon!!! ALL of them except your calls and texts. Turn off all of your dinging notifications on everything except calls and texts. This includes, especially, your social media. The "ding!" creates a response in your head where you feel you must immediately respond. Just do yourself a favor and stop with the social media notifications
While we're at it, have you discovered the do not disturb feature? Turn it on, all the time, and have certain people on your favorites list who can get through in case of emergency or who's call you want (want being the key word) to answer. Again, we are eliminating the "dings." Also, while in a therapy session or appointment - just silence your phone! This takes away from the therapeutic process. And when you're with others, also just keep your phone on silent, put your phone away. Enjoy the moment! Do not disturb is a wonderful feature.
Phone free evenings: have a rule in your home - no social media or phone usage in the evenings. When you're with your loved ones, put the phone up, up, and away. Of course, you can Facetime or call your friends and family if it's been a while. But leave it at that.
Leave work at work: no checking your work e-mails once you've logged out for the day. People can wait, the world will continue to turn. Trust me.
Get an alarm clock: and put your phone in the kitchen to charge. How many hours do you mindlessly scroll in bed? How many workouts or mornings have you missed because you used your phone to wake up? Seriously - phones also mess with your circadian rhythm. The rays it emits messes with melatonin production. Ever feel antsy at night after you're scrolling and can't fall asleep? It's because you were scrolling. Put your phone in the kitchen or another room, and read a book or journal instead.
Invite boredom into your life: this is easier to do when you're enjoying a social media detox. But, when you notice yourself reaching for your phone - don't. When standing in line, notice instead the life going on around you. Talk to someone in line. Or when you're out to eat and waiting for your food, observe how many people are on their phones. When watching a show - watch the show fully. Allow for space to be space. Allow for boredom in your life. See what comes of it.
Watch The Social Dilemma on Netflix: documentaries are great and this one shines some light on how social media is designed. It doesn't give tips for a social media free life, which bothers me, but it at least gives some context to what social media is doing to your brain.
Social media robs children of creativity. It increases depression and anxiety. It has turned us into consumers of life, zombies of life rather than people who are living their life fully and presently. Ask yourself - how many moments have you missed out on because your nose was in your phone? How many funny moments, sunset, laughs, hugs, birds dancing in the air.... have you missed? How many miles has your thumb scrolled and how many hours of inspiration have you missed out on? In the pie of life, how big of a piece of the pie does social media take up? And how much of an impact is it having on your mental health?
I invite you to show up fully in your life. And I believe this starts by allowing your phone to be your phone, and not your holy grail, your bible, your coping mechanism, your drug. Fun fact: people who use drugs and social media are the only "consumers" that are called "users." Interesting, huh?
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