The holiday season can be a stressful time for many people, and it's often a period when individuals benefit from trauma counseling services or therapy for anxiety and depression. Many desire to be filled with “the holiday spirit” but can often be filled with stress. The stress the holidays put on finances, the belief that we have to please everyone, the expectations family may put on us, the lack of boundaries we may have around those expectations, and potentially some painful memories from the past all contribute to how we move through a season many look forward to all year.
In addition to all of that, if you are in therapy, your clinician may need to take time off around the holidays for travel and family time as well, which may contribute to additional stress. But, I’m here to help you build an action plan so you can go into the holidays feeling prepared, so you can preserve your energy and enjoy holidays in a way that is meaningful to you.
Start planning and preparing with your therapist now.
If you are in therapy, begin talking about what stresses you out about the holidays. It may seem too early to talk about it now, but I am willing to bet the things that stress you out about the holidays are linked to patterns and cycles within your life and relationships, that all stack up during the holiday season. Preparing now can help you begin to break these patterns not just for the holiday season, but for life .If you have a good relationship with your therapist, whether it’s for trauma counseling services, play therapy for children, or LGBTQ+ affirming therapy, then your therapist knows you well…
List out your personal core beliefs about the holidays.
Your personal core beliefs about the holidays have little to do with others’ core beliefs about the holidays. They have little to do about what you think your core beliefs “should” be. Your core beliefs around the holiday season has everything to do about YOU and what makes life meaningful. So, if you don’t know where to even begin because you are bombarded with others’ expectations, start with a visualization exercise. Imagine the perfect holiday season… walk through it. What does it feel like? What activities are you doing (or not doing?)? What feels fun and meaningful to you? You may be surprised by your answer. After years of what I thought was meaningful to me, I realized that going broke and buying a ton of gifts and coming up with the perfect “Wish list” wasn’t meaningful to me at all, even though that’s what I’ve been doing most of my life. What I found meaningful was time with family and what I looked forward to most was the food! So, instead of buying a ton of Christmas presents and asking for the perfect gifts, I began baking and creating hand made gifts. If someone was insistent on getting me a present and wanting to know what I wanted, I asked for experiences or meaningful gifts – maybe a gift card to a massage place, a board game, a travel voucher, or a picture of us that I might not have. All that to say is… be honest with yourself about what is actually going to make the holiday season meaningful to you.
Identify the things in particular that really stress you out.
This likely has to do with finances and family expectations. Be specific about what in particular stresses you out so you can implement the next step…
Set boundaries.
I know.. this is probably the hardest part, huh? Setting boundaries can often feel like letting someone down or creating conflict and who wants that? Especially around the holidays. But when you know what is meaningful to you and what stresses you out, it becomes clear where you lack boundaries. Boundaries don’t have to be a line drawn in the sand you take individuals to and say, “Look, here are my boundaries, don’t cross them.” Boundaries are simply honoring yourself and using clear communication. For example, let’s say every year your family makes your plans for you and this frustrates the heck out of you. This year, you could say, “That sounds fun, but my plate it too full to add that to my list.” Or, “I’d love to go, but I have plans that day. Have fun without me and have a drink for me!” or even, “Yes, I can go, but I won’t be able to stay the whole time.” Not one time did you say the word “No” nor did you say anything rude or confrontational. If someone has a problem with it, just repeat yourself.
If someone starts a conflict over it and you feel you would cave to avoid a conflict, then this points to a bigger issue that needs to be addressed: others who don’t respect your boundaries and you who don’t uphold them. Boundaries cannot be crossed if you mean them… others can try to cross your boundaries but if you mean them and they try, then there are consequences for crossed boundaries, like your emotional and physical distance. If this feels too hard and too intimidating, then address this more in depth with your therapist.
Use distance and excuses to get out of uncomfortable experiences.
This may sound like a cop-out but hear me out. Sometimes, we can’t avoid uncomfortable situations. Let’s say you very much look forward to your family get together but you don’t look forward to that one family member who likes to talk politics or is a loud negative Nancy and you feel you can’t escape. Make an excuse… go to the bathroom, say you have to get something from your car, go help cook or clean up. You don’t have to stay in an uncomfortable situation, and guess what? You also don’t have to change their opinion -because you likely aren’t going to anyway.
Adjust your expectations.
Yes, the holidays can be stressful and there are so many factors that can contribute to this stress. But they also don’t have to be perfect. Sometimes the idea that holidays have to feel or look a certain way sets us up for failure. As a trauma-informed therapist, there is a very important lesson I’ve learned: we cannot avoid pain or stress or hard times. We simply learn how to cope and take care of ourselves through it. When we fight and try to avoid difficulties, we often make them harder on ourselves. Life is full of ups and downs and it’s our job to learn how to flow with them. The holidays may just be stressful and accepting this will help reduce your stress (ironic, isn’t it?). And when you can accept this, then you can identify the best way to care of yourself through them in the ways you are able. A moment, a day, an early night, a boundary….
You’ve got this. Happy Holidays!
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