Let's talk communication!
It seems to me that many of us struggle with how to communicate. Maybe you struggle with boundaries, maybe you grew up not allowed to express yourself, maybe you identify as a people-pleaser. Or maybe, even you are direct and assertive, but this can also cause some problems.
Communication is the bread and butter of healthy relationships - with our family, friends, and partners. Much of the time, when things begin to feel tense or weird or we feel resentment, it is because something isn't being communicated that could be helpful.
Now, if direct communication causes you anxiety, it might be helpful to do some work around discovering what your core beliefs are in regards to communication.
Bonus journal prompts: why do I struggle communicating? What beliefs do I hold around this topic? What am I afraid of? Why is this scary to me?.Here are some helpful tips as it pertains to communication:
First, let's talk about "capped responses." Capped responses are short and to the point. For example, say your work is trying to pile on more responsibility that you don't have time or energy for. A capped response could be something like, "My plate is full and I cannot add another thing to it." What are some short and to the point responses you could have in your back pocket? Come up with a list of situations you may struggle to set a boundary or speak up. Then, think of a short and simple capped response you can give.
Second, repeat repeat repeat. If someone is struggling with boundaries, you can simply repeat your boundary, "I am sorry, we are busy that day." "We don't have time in our schedule to add another commitment." If you repeat it enough, they will get the hint.
Third, state your boundary and change the subject. Don't give them room to push. State your boundary, let that be enough.
Fourth, if a conversation is needed, have it. If someone isn't getting the hint and it is leading to fights and resentment, have a deeper, vulnerable conversation with them. To have a conversation, it is helpful to validate their side, and give positive reinforcement, listen to them, as well as offer clear and direct boundaries. You can use a little "I feel" statement equation that looks like this: "I feel _________ when/because ________ and I want ____________." Example: "Hey, I know you are really busy and I appreciate how hard you work for our family. At the same time, I feel like I am drowning in housework and would really appreciate your help with keeping it clean."
Final tip: share consequences. Again, if someone just isn't getting it, tell them the actions you will take to maintain the boundaries, for example: "If you won't speak to me respectfully, I will hang up." And then, if it continues hang up. Don't bluff - mean what you say and have solutions to when boundaries are being pushed, communicate them and hold to them if the other party isn't respecting your boundaries.
If you struggle with people pleasing, I understand how hard setting boundaries can be! Sometimes you may not even realize your boundaries or you feel uncomfortable until after the conversation. That's okay. Try, try again and know you can change your mind, follow-up and say no, etc. The more you do this, the easier it will be.
Journal prompts:
Where do you struggle in communication?
In finding your weak spot with communication, write some specific examples of how you can use these tips to help.
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