Many of my clients struggle with social anxiety and confidence.
I would be lying if I said I have never struggled with these things as well. For a while, I became anxious in social settings. I did not know how to talk to others, I would sit and wait hoping either no one would notice me or someone would take pity on me and come up, talk to me, and make socializing easy. In other words, I would rely on whoever I was with or others to have proper social skills I felt I lacked.
Do you worry how others perceive you? Do you become anxious before going to a social setting? Do you struggle to motivate yourself to go to an event where you don't know anyone?
You are not alone. And I am here to tell you -
YOU have the power to develop social skills where you can rely on yourself in any social situation -no matter how anxiety provoking!
So, before I give you the scoop, I want to tell you something that forever changed how I operate in social situations.
It came from an "influencer" who you may have heard of named Chalene Johnson. At one point, she released an entire course on confidence, which I bought, but after listening to one of her podcasts on confidence, she mentioned something that made me feel like I no longer needed the course:
We often think confidence is an inside job. We think confidence is all about us. But have you ever been in a social situation where someone was extra quiet? You either thought they did not like you, the setting, or were feeling insecure. So, you or others feel the need to make an effort with them. To talk to them, help them feel more comfortable, or just to at least get a genuine smile from them. Those who aren't making an effort with them may be avoiding them due to their own discomfort. It's a little draining, isn't it? Likely, this person is feeling insecure. Have you ever been that person (I know I have)? What if what it took in social situations was not worrying about how YOU feel, rather, how you can make others feel. What if your presence was a comfort to others? I don't want someone to feel obligated to be my savior. I want others to feel comfortable around me. So, in social situations, no matter how I personally am feeling, I focus on how I can make the other person feel.
With that really small idea, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I now made it my goal to make others feel valued, welcomed, and comfortable in my presence rather than how others can make me feel. "Ask not how others can make me feel, but how I can make others feel."
So, that being said, here are some tips I have for you:
Be interested, not interesting: honestly, people love to talk about themselves. So take the pressure off of yourself by feeling like you have to have something interesting to say, and begin to be interested in the other person. What about them are you curious about? ASK!
Ask getting to know you questions: When getting to know someone, after the introductions (to which, I hold my head up high, pull my shoulders back offer a smile and a hand and say, "Hi, I'm Keilyn, what's your name?"), ask general getting to know you questions. "So how do you know so-and-so?" "So, what do you do?" "Oh really, and how long have you done that?" "Do you enjoy it?" Relate to them. If you have trouble with small talk, remember this acronym: FORM - Family, Occupation, Relationships, More (anything else you are curious about or that pops up during conversation).
Find common interests: When you find a common interest, you will have much to talk about! Maybe they know more about this topic than you do -maybe they can teach you something! Maybe you know more than they do -maybe you can teach them something. Maybe they know of a club, class, or meetup they are involved in or have wanted to try based on this interest. Maybe you could even go together. BOOM! I just made you a new friend.
Ask open ended questions: "What's keeping you busy these days?" Open ended questions allows people to focus on what they want to focus on.
Smile: Nothing like RBF (resting b**** face) that makes someone think you are uninterested, annoyed, or just not a nice person. Put a smile on your face. Be friendly, welcoming, warm. Carry the energy of "open." As in, if someone was confused, insecure, or had a question they would see you and feel safe asking because, hey you look like a nice person!
Superman/Superwoman pose: Shoulders back, hands on hips, chest out. Portraying the physical qualities of confidence quite literally send signals to your brain and help you to feel more confidence. Stop making yourself small.
Realize they aren't thinking about you the way you think: People are self-absorbed. We all are. Most people are concerned with how others are perceiving them. Take a load off. And if someone isn't particularly friendly despite your best attempts, realize it likely has very little to do with you. People have their own problems, insecurities, stresses, personal lives. Who knows what they are dealing with or going through. Give your best effort to make them smile, and move on.
Look good, feel good: This is not as vain as you think. But, it is practical! When you wear clothes that are comfortable and that you feel confident in and are well-groomed, you FEEL good! When you feel good, your confidence increases. So... wear clothes that are COMFORTABLE (at this point in my life I will no longer forgo comfort for fashion -but that is just me!) and that you feel confident in. Seriously - buy clothes that fit you -stop buying things you feel like you *should* fit into if you just lost a few pounds... seriously stop! Clothes are made to fit YOU, not the other way around. Take a shower, brush your teeth, do your hair, makeup, whatever it is you do that makes you feel good. Take care of yourself. Looking well groomed and clean will have you be well-received as well. That is not vain and in no way am I promoting vanity - it is simply a psychological fact.
I hope these tips help! It is okay to still feel anxious going into social settings, but hopefully you feel armed now. Best way to overcome fear? By facing it! So... you got this!
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