Something that comes up over and over again in my sessions and when I talk to my friends is fighting in relationships. In this post, I am going to be talking in particular about romantic relationships, but these rules can be applied to your friends and family as well. I have found using this with my partner has helped me to better communicate in other areas of my life Win! This post is going to be long winded... feel free to skip down to sections that apply to you, however I think each section will help you gain a better understanding of fighting, why it is a good thing, and how to make it healthy. Or, as my friend coined the term: How to be a good Argumentor. So, allow me to be your (pardon my pun), Agrumentor (get it?).
Why do we fight?
I am sure you are already coming up with a list of reasons why you are upset. In the end, fighting boils down to attempting to communicate something to our partner that we believe they just aren't getting the memo. We expect people to read our minds, understand our behavior has meaning (without communicating what that meaning is), understand where we are coming from, yield to our expectations, and to join our perspective. Our partners expect the same.
Uncommunicated expectations can hurt relationships.
So, you've done the dishes, again. And your partner has the gall to put a dirty dish in the sink -not in the dishwasher -and carry on about their day. You are left feeling: unappreciated, used, and angry.
We are going to use this example scenario throughout, so stick with me.
The Fight
This scenario, which is common, leads to an argument.
You say nothing. The frustration begins. You exhale loudly, to attempt to communicate your feelings, and become silent and annoyed at everything your partner does as the evening goes on, because now, you are hyperaware of everything else wrong they do. Finally, frustrated with the silent treatment and passive aggressive comments, your partner says,
"What is wrong?!"
"You never do the dishes! You always leave dirty dishes and expect me to clean up after!"
And, so we begin. Never doing the dishes leads to other things - like never picking up the clothes, the dirty shower they said they'd clean, the lack of appreciation for things you do, and you begin to bring up past fights, insult, defend, belittle, and so on....
Oh, and let's tack on the fact that your partner is unapologetic. They are defensive, not hearing anything you are saying, and in turn, saying hurtful things and bringing up past wrongs you have done to prove a point or their innocence.
Sound familiar? Here we go again....
Can fighting be a good thing?
I want to teach you not only how to fight properly and in healthy ways, but to embrace a fight and change your mindset about it.
Fights are an opportunity to bring a couple closer together. Yes, that is right -fighting can actually increase intimacy and feelings of closeness.
When you enter into a relationship, you are combining two different people with two different backgrounds, two different sets of parents/childhoods, and who learned different things growing up. You bring different expectations, different rules, different lenses through which you see life -yes, despite your similarities.
These things can be as little as what "clean" means to you to as big as what "family" means to you. So when you enter into an argument, keep in mind -there are two clashing perspectives here and simply a lack of understanding. Learning to communicate why XYZ is important to you and understanding why XYZ may be different to that person can help you establish a middle, a compromise, or an understanding.
When you are able to fight in healthy ways, you become closer. When you reach an understanding, you feel heard, seen, loved, safe.
Fights in relationships happen. And, if you think about it, fighting proves intimacy. In a romantic relationship your partner sees all of you. The good, the bad, the ugly. And loving and trusting someone enough to show the "bad and the ugly" side -or as I call it: the wounded child side- you are showing your partner your vulnerable side and trusting them to love you through it. Same goes for them -they show you that side as well. These sides need the most love, because these sides are communicating something where they feel lack of love. This is intimacy. (Note: I am not saying to accept abuse.)
Understanding behavior does not excuse behavior. But it does soften the blow.
That goes for both sides. Understanding your own behavior does not excuse poor behavior anymore than understanding your partner's behavior does.
So, let's now talk about how to make a fight healthy.
Bring awareness to the fight
How does your partner handle a fight? Do they stuff it? Walk away? Poke and poke and poke until it comes to a head? Lash out? Become defensive? Become quiet? Acquiesce? How do YOU handle a fight?
Understanding how one fights will be helpful moving forward. When you understand both you and your partner's fighting style, you can then begin to establish ways to fight fair.
Bring awareness to your feelings
Now, we will go into the classic "I feel" statements you may cringe at when your therapist brings it up. There is a formula to communicating. The importance of communicating and I feel statements is immense. Here is the formula:
"I feel _______ when _______ and what I need is ______."
Wow, SO simple, right? But why does this help so much? There are a few reasons reasons
First, you have to be aware of what YOU are feeling, why, and what you need. Often times we react without taking inventory of what it is we really are upset by, why, and what exactly it is we need.
You are taking responsibility of your own emotions. When you say, "You are annoying me," you are immediately putting the other person on defense. You are making your emotions your partner's responsibility. By taking responsibility for your own emotions, you are making a new path for discussion. “I feel annoyed.” See how that hits different? If your partner is feeling defensive, the fight likely is not going to go well, unless your partner is some kind of awakened monk. Take responsibility for your emotions.
You are conveying why you are feeling this way and what you need. This gives your partner the insight into how their behavior could possibly effect you, why, and what they can do to help or it gives them the chance to explain themselves.
Example: "I feel unappreciated and frustrated when you put your dirty dish in the sink after I cleaned the dishes, and I would appreciate if you could take care of it."
Do you see how that already is better than the initial reaction? In the initial reaction, you expected them to read your mind and the longer the dish sat, the more annoyed you got at everything else and then you lashed out saying, "You NEVER...."
Yeah, I would feel defensive too!
So, just these two steps (1. bring awareness to the way you and your partner fight 2. using I feel statements) will do a lot for you and your partner.
But just because you did these two steps doesn't mean a fight won't happen. So let's talk about FAIR FIGHTING RULES! I even made an infograph at the bottom of the list for you to keep on hand.
Fair Fighting Rules
In fair fighting rules, the goal is for fighting to feel safe, be productive, and bring you closer together. Also, keep in mind - this isn't just for you. It is for your partner as well. When they are frustrated and upset -what is it they are trying to communicate? How are they feeling (regardless of how they brought it up)? How can you understand them better?
No degrading language or use of physical force - This goes without saying, but I am going to say it anyway: abuse is not acceptable. Name-calling, insulting, swearing, put-downs are no-nos. Throwing things, punching walls, shoving, slapping are no-nos. It is disrespectful and has the intent to hurt. When you use degrading language or are forceful, you are saying to your partner, "You aren't safe with me. I will do whatever I need to do to win and protect myself."
No blaming - oof! This is a hard one. Blaming distracts from solving the problem at hand. It will only put your partner on defense and likely escalate the situation. For example: if you cannot find something and you immediately blame your partner, they might turn it back on you too. I always try to remember this quote: Would you rather be right or in a relationship?
No yelling - yelling escalates things. Did you know people actually hear you better when you speak quietly? It is true! The reasoning behind this is because people tend to listen harder when someone is speaking quietly, because they want to hear. Also, if someone is yelling and the other person is totally calm, it is only a matter of time before the other person has to then calm down too. Speak in soft tones. If you cannot, then it is probably time to take a break.
Take a break - again, this goes to how you and your partner fight. Is one avoidant? Does one begin to say mean things when upset? It is okay to take a break. If other fair fighting rules are being violated, it is a sign physiologically, things are escalated and fight or flight is being activated. It is best to take a time-out and reconvene when both of you aren't escalated. Just make sure, if you take a break that you come back for damage control (shout out to my client for this phrase!).
No threatening the relationship - like I said, fighting has to feel safe. Threatening to leave is manipulative and hurtful. It quickly hurts your partner's confidence and your commitment in the relationship. It makes a fight seem much bigger than it needs to be.
Do not bring up past fights - stay in the here and now. It is discouraging to continue to bring up the past. If there has been an issue in the past that you two have worked on, do not continue to bring it up. If issues from the past continue to come up, it is likely these haven't been resolved. This rule will be easier moving forward because as you fight, you will now begin to resolve issues in the present rather than letting them fester.
Take turns speaking - listen to understand, not respond. Try to really listen to what your partner is saying. Put yourself in their perspective. And when it is your turn, you can respond. Again - I feel statements are not a "one time only." You will need to continue to use these statements.
Be mindful of your language - saying things like, "You never," "I always," "If only you would just," disregards any attempt your partner has made in the past. Also saying, "I love you, but..." isn't helpful and conveys the message: my love is conditional. Try replacing your "buts" with "ands" (I love you, and....when you _____.... I feel really hurt.)
Create your own rules - based on how you two fight, create your own rules of engagement. Is there something your partner does that is triggering? Do you do something that really upsets your partner? Create a list of boundaries you guys have based off your own relationship. And finally...
Be on the same team - the problem is the enemy, not your partner. Take the problem and put it outside of yourselves and observe it. Do not turn each other into the problem or the enemy. You guys are a unit, a team, and you love each other. You both want peace and harmony in your relationship. You both want to feel loved and make your partner feel loved. As Reliant K once said, "We should get jerseys because we make a great team."
Bonus tip #1: Put down your ego.
Fighting isn't about your ego. Take responsibility when you were in the wrong, be quick to say I'm sorry (and mean it), and take your ego (I know, it's hard) out of the equation.
Bonus tip #2: remember the three T's: Timing, tone, and turf.
Sometimes there are things on our minds that we need to discuss. It does not have to be a fight, and it is still important to bring up. What areas in your relationship do you feel vulnerable? Where are you feeling insecure? Have they said something in the past that you can't get out of your mind? These can be discussions, they don't have to be fights.
Timing: When there is something you want to bring up, timing is important. Best timing is when things feel light and fun. Sounds counterintuitive, I know. But when you are in the heat of a fight, it won't be as productive.
Tone: How you say it is important, too. Lightly, over dinner, saying, "Hey babe, there has been something on my mind and I was hoping I could get it off my chest. Can I share it with you?" goes a lot further than using it as fuel in a passive aggressive fight.
Turf: Where you say it is important too. Asking your partner how the sex was after sex, in bed might not be the best if you are feeling insecure about the romp in the sac. Casually, out to dinner or in the kitchen while cooking might be better, "Hey, the other day I don't feel like I pleased you and I want to make you feel good! Tell me, what do you want me to do? What do you want to try together?" Obviously, doing this in front of friends isn't the best turf either. Make sure you both feel safe, light hearted, and it is the appropriate time to bring it up.
Remember: you love each other. That is more important.
Break the cycle, fight fair, and fight with love.
Fighting is a chance to bring yourselves closer. A healthy couple isn't one that is free of fights. A healthy couple is one who can engage in fights and come out stronger. A good foundation of love is built in these moments. These moments are when we are most vulnerable, most in need of love. These moments are moments when you learn of your partner's wounds, when you share your own, when you overcome past hurts and traumas. This is an opportunity to love deeper, strengthen your bond, and enjoy your relationship. This is where unconditional love comes into play. When there is safety in fighting, there is safety in your relationship.
Even if only you understand the rules of fair fighting, you can begin to change the course of how fights and arguments look in your relationship. You partner may be reactive at first, but the more firmly you hold on to these rules, the safer you and your partner will feel. Relationships are often mirrors of ourselves. They show us where we are most vulnerable, wounded, and less-than perfect, as well as where we are most healed and strong.
I hope this post has been helpful and will help bring you and your partner closer together. I have also left a little activity you and your partner can do over dinner or while lying in bed to help bring you closer together. Or, if you are the type A kind, print out two -one for you and one for your partner and write it out!
Downloadable copy:
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